Wednesdays

Since Archie came along 10 weeks ago, Henry has had a sleepover at my mum's every Wednesday. He adores his Marmar and loves going there, especially now I'm not at work and he doesn't have his usual mornings at her house during the week. I miss him so much when he's not here, the house isn't quite right; it's just too quiet I suppose. But I love Wednesday evenings with my littlest boy so so much too. I feel guilty for even saying it, but what I've learnt since having Archie is that mum guilt seems to multiply the more children you have, so I'm used to it! 

One thing I feel particularly guilty about is the fact that Archie rarely gets undivided attention. As a baby Henry hated being put down and loved being fed. That meant that he was by my side 24/7; on my knee, in my arms, sleeping in my bed. We were absolutely inseparable. I cooed to him, smiled at him, sang him to sleep, you get the idea. Archie just doesn't get that. Partly because he's a much more chilled out baby and is more than happy to be put down but also because I have no choice. I have a toddler to see to, to dress, change, brush teeth, read to, bath, play with, fetch drinks, feed, clean....the list is endless. I don't have time in the day to spend an hour singing or cooing to Archie in my arms the way I did with Henry, it's as simple as that, but the guilt is awful. So Wednesday evenings, where it's just us, are heavenly. I don't put him down if I can help it. We park ourselves on the sofa, I talk to him, cuddle him, feed him, sing to him. I catch up on all the tv that I would like to watch during the week (but can't due to our constant Ice Age, Peppa Pig and CBeebies watching) and generally devote all of my time to my baby boy. I also get a bit of a lie in (the toddler wakes up at 7am and is raring to go immediately as only toddlers are, whereas Archie is a lot happier to doze on a morning in my arms) and having only one child to get to bed and see to throughout the night is a proper treat too. When we finally drag ourselves out of bed, I get a proper breakfast and a hot coffee. Leaving the house with just one child is so much easier than two, so I love the calmness of Thursday mornings where I don't have to convince a 3 year old that chocolate isn't considered breakfast food or that pyjamas aren't acceptable clothes to still be wearing at lunchtime. Im sure poor Marmar doesn't have such a quiet morning!!

Having said all of that, one of the other things that I feel guilty about is the fact that I never get any 1:1 time with my big boy these days and I do miss it dreadfully. So for the last two weeks, we've gone swimming on a Wednesday morning, just me and him. My mum (you're seeing a pattern here aren't you? She's amazing) has Archie in the cafe of the leisure centre and I get time with just my beautiful big boy in the water. It's so lovely not dividing my attention, only having the two of us to get dressed afterwards and not having to stop everything to feed or change Archie. I've also managed to leave Archie a couple of times with Mr B while Henry and I have quickly popped to the shops or whatever, nothing majorly exciting, but such precious time with my first baby who seems to be growing up quicker than ever. 

1:1 time with both of my boys is so important to me, something I didn't anticipate before Archie came along. I hope that it'll be easier to make time for them both individually as they get older but I'm sure the guilt will still be there; I think it's just a mum thing!! 

2 month update

I can't believe we have a 2 month old; the newborn days are all but over and although that's sad in many respects, it's also nice to see Archie's little personality emerging and nice to feel settled as a family of 4, getting settled into some sort of routine finally. Here's my little cub's 2 month update....

Weight: At 8 weeks exactly Archie was 14lb 9oz, still tracking just below the 98th centile line in his red book. His height and head circumference were the same centile too so he's perfectly in proportion, just massive! He's in size 3 nappies and 3-6 month clothes. The health visitor and doctor were really happy with him, both very complimentary about how big he was from just breast milk, so that's always nice to hear. He had his first lot of injections which made him pretty miserable for a day or two and his next lot are in 4 weeks now. 

Feeding: He feeds like a pro, with no pain or anything for me. He feeds a lot in the day, but does sometimes go 3-4 hours now, particularly if we're out and he sleeps. He only feeds once or twice in the night which is great, and evening cluster feeding is rare...very unlike his big brother! 

Sleep: His longest stretch to date was 7 hours, doing 9pm-4am one night. 5-6 hour stretches are pretty common though and he's usually in bed for between 10-12 hours each night. The Sleepyhead is worth every penny and he settles straight back into it after a quick feed, usually awake too which is great. He likes to be swaddled too at night and I think that helps him sleep longer. He naps as and when in the day still, but always has a morning nap 90mins after waking up, and then a longer afternoon nap most days too. Apart from those two set naps, he tends to just sleep when he can get it (in the car, pram, sling or just when his big brother leaves him in peace for 5 minutes!)

Milestones: He's such a smiley, happy baby and so laid back most days. As long as he's fed, he's happy to lie on his mat or in his swing at home for an hour or be in his pram or sling when we're out. He absolutely loves the bath, kicking and splashing around the whole time he's in there. He coos back at us when we talk to him now too which is lovely and we're definitely starting to see glimpses of a little personality.

The big brother

Before having Archie I genuinely knew that Henry would be an amazing big brother. I wasn't overly concerned about how kind or gentle he'd be with the baby, I knew that he would adore his little brother or sister, so the only thing that worried me was him being jealous of the attention that the baby would no doubt get from all of us. 

I needn't have worried of course; I can't even believe how he's been this last 2 months, I didn't know it was possible for a 3 year old to love a baby so much and to be so patient and kind and loving. He hasn't once been jealous, or not that he's shown; he doesn't mind who holds Archie, if he's getting a lot of attention, if I have to see to Archie before him. None of it bothers him at all...thank goodness for him inheriting his daddy's laid back nature and not my impatient and jealous nature which made me a really difficult toddler! 

Recently he tells me he wishes he was Archie's mummy. At first I asked if he meant his daddy and he told me no because it was mummy who did the feeding and bathing and nappy changing. They're the things he wants to do. He helps with pretty much every nappy change; wipe in hand, he copies what I do and then without fail he takes the dirty nappy to the bin for me. That's his job and he won't let anyone else do it.  He helps to feed his brother, sometimes with a bottle of expressed milk, but usually just by holding the top of my boob while I feed, snuggled in to me and telling Archie, "I'm taking care of you, Arch." He constantly wants to cuddle him and smothers him in kisses, washes him gently with a sponge in the bath, takes baby toys and books over to him (dumping them on top of him!), asks him questions, sits for ages in front of him trying to get a smile out of him and tells him he loves him over and over. Recently he's started saying that when he's a man he's going to have lots of babies and has a little doll at Marmar's house that he takes great care of and cuddles in bed at night. When Archie cries, Henry tells us what's wrong with him. He's surprisingly accurate, distinguishing between cries "for a little feed" or cries "because he's got a little pain" and sometimes Archie apparently cries because he misses Marmar or one of his little friends and even once, because he was sad that it wasn't Christmas yet! Oh the imagination of a three year old. This morning I woke up with Archie and went downstairs to a plate of toast and a coffee all ready for me, simply because Henry had heard his brother awake and insisted that his daddy make me breakfast because "Mummy is awake and she'll be very hungry so we need to make her some food." He tells his daddy that I need a drink of squash because I "turn it into milkies for Arch" and once told me off for not drinking enough, insisting that I needed to so that his brother got enough milk. About a week ago I was in the bathroom putting on my make up when I heard Henry tell his daddy that Archie had done a poo and needed his nappy changing. Mr B said he didn't think he had but they checked anyway and lo and behold he had. For such a young child, I'm constantly amazed at how sensible, patient and loving he is with this tiny human, who has actually turned our lives upside down in a lot of ways. Gone are the busy afternoons of 'just us' and the mornings spent with Marmar and Parpar on his own while I worked. Gone are the cinema trips and swimming trips, the undivided attention and peaceful house. Of course we know it's all worth it, and we know that this newborn stage doesn't last forever, but Henry doesnt know that, which makes his reaction and attitude to his baby brother all the more lovely. 

He'll make someone a seriously good husband one day and I hope that he's right and that he does have lots of babies too, because I have no doubt that he's going to grow into the most caring, kind adult (and because I want lots of grandchildren to look after!). 

So if you read this when you're older boys, Archie you owe your brother a drink, and Henry, mummy owes you a drink too for making my life so much easier over these last few months. I hope that you and Arch, as you so affectionately call him, will always love one another just as much as you do now.

Autumn

Autumn is probably my favourite season. I can't think of a better time of year to be holed up at home with a newborn either. Both of my babies are September babies and this time of year will forever remind me of the happy days spent at home with them as tiny babies. There couldn't be better weather to stay indoors with a hot cup of tea and a cinnamon bun, scented candles lit around the house. It's the perfect weather to snuggle down together for an afternoon nap, waking up such as dusk starts to settle.

Equally it's still mild enough to escape the house when we're feeling claustrophobic. Perfect weather for picking blackberries and apples, for hunting for conkers and acorns in the woods, choosing the perfect Halloween pumpkin and wearing warm flannel shirts, bobble hats and wooly gloves for the first time in months. By the time February arrives, the hats are a pain, we long to be able to dash out of the house without wrapping up first. But in September and October, those warm woolies still feel like such a cosy treat to pull on before adventures outside. 

So for the next couple of weeks you'll find us in the woods, my pockets will be full of conkers, our tummies full of warm drinks and blackberries foraged from the bushes. I'll be making the most of pumpkin spiced lattes and PJ afternoons at home, snuggled up with my two little boys, heating on, candles lit. What could be better?

We were together

"We were together, I forget the rest' - Walt Whitman 

Being a new mummy is amazing. It is stressful; there are good days and bad. Days you think will never end and days you never want to end. There are days you laugh all day and days you cry. Having a baby so reliant on you to feed them and to change them and to settle them and to love them is so intensely amazing one moment and incredibly suffocating the next. There are days when you don't want to leave them for even a second and days when you just need 5 minutes to yourself. Days when you mourn the life you had before and days when you realise how empty and unimportant life was back then. Plans you have to cancel, friends you can't see. First smiles, crawls, steps, words, personalities forming. Moments lasting only seconds that far outweigh any long, difficult hours. You love your tiny new baby like no other; a fierce protective love that you've never experienced before. But with that love comes intense vulnerability - the worries, the 'what ifs'. 

These days, the days of 'just us' are perfect. Not the perfect you'd expect - plans have still been cancelled, tears have still been shed, feelings of suffocation felt, nights spent awake worrying. But still perfect. I don't want them to end. The days of just being together. The other details don't and won't matter. We were together. 

A little update

My blog has been a bit neglected over the past few weeks and the reason is simply because having two little children is time consuming! I used to update my blog during night feeds a lot with Henry, mainly because he would be awake for well over an hour at a time and I needed something to help me to stay awake. Luckily for me (but not for the blog), Archie is only ever really awake for 20mins at a time and only twice a night still. We've had a few nights with only one feed which is amazing and he generally does 3-4 hour stretches of sleep at a time (4.5 is his longest so far). I therefore don't need anything to occupy me during those long, dark hours and I often just feed sitting up in bed with my eyes closed until I feel him stop feeding, relax, and then I can lie him down again. 

In fact, as I write this, I had planned to be feeding him his last feed before bed and thought I'd have half an hour to get this written, but he's gone off already, is fast asleep in his Sleepyhead and I'm going to make the most of every minute of sleep I can get. This blog post is being saved in my drafts and will have to be finished at a later date!! 

2 days later and I've found ten minutes to continue with this post!

We are doing well. I feel, at almost six weeks in, that I finally know my little boy. I know what every tiny sound means, I know his cries and I know his routine. Mornings tend to be his worst time, he needs to sleep but doesn't drop off easily. He never fully settles into a deep sleep, having little feeds and dozing a lot. Unfortunately mornings tend to be our busiest time and the times when I need to put him down to make breakfasts, put washing in, brush hair and teeth, dress Henry and myself, pack our bag for the day etc. The list goes on. Anyway, things are considerably less stressful if we move according to Archie's schedule, so we tend to fit all of those things in around his feeding and often hope that he'll have a car sleep to cheer him up when he's over tired and grumpy. I'm going to make more of an effort to have quieter mornings and do things on an afternoon for a few weeks though. It's not great because it means I can't nap with the boys, but it will mean less crying and hurried trips to feed him in various places when he starts to scream in his pram. Luckily afternoons are way better, he basically sleeps and wakes every few hours for a big feed before dropping off again. It's the time to get washing hung out, washing up done, any tidying done and of course, time with Henry to play games and do jigsaws - things that aren't so easy with a newborn baby awake and wanting feeding. We often have a nap all together in one bed for the afternoon too which is one of my favourite things to do. The washing up can wait on those days; my babies will never be this small and cuddly and beautiful ever again. One day they won't want to nap, especially with me, so I'm making the most of those  quieter days too. 

Archie weighs a whopping 13lb as of Monday (5 weeks) moving him to the 98th centile and it also means he's gained over 4lb in his first 5 weeks. The health visitor was really happy with that, reassured me that it's impossible to overfeed a breastfed baby and sent us on our way again. He's getting through his babygrows like nothing else and it won't be long until he's wearing his 3-6 month things and size 3 nappies! I wish he'd stop trying to grow up so quickly. Unfortunately for me, I'm not losing any weight despite his amazing weight gain! I'm eating like a horse and so am just listening to my body for a few weeks because presumably I need the calories. I haven't put any weight on despite the enormous amounts of cake I've been putting away, so that's a bonus. I have about half a stone still to lose and ideally I'd like it gone before Christmas, a year since I found out I was pregnant.

Henry is still beyond anything I ever imagined he'd be when our baby arrived. I didn't know it was possible for a 3 year old to react to a new sibling in the way that he has and we are so incredibly proud of him. He hasn't been remotely jealous since his brother was born, not for a second. He asks me all the time if we can keep him forever, tells me he's so happy he's been born and tells his brother how much he loves him. He seems to have nicknamed him 'Arch' so poor Archie is usually called that or Simba these days! Every morning when Henry wakes up he goes straight to his brother, asks him if he had a lovely sleep and tells him he loves him. Every day. I can trust him to be gentle and careful, if I have to nip out of the room I know he won't wake the baby or hurt him, and he often shouts to tell me if Archie is waking up or if he's crying. Every time Archie cries, Henry translates it for me, "He just needs a little feed" or "He has a little pain". He's just gorgeous. I honestly thought he'd miss time with it just being me and him; after all, we spent all of our time together before, going to lovely places and doing exciting things. And being totally honest, I desperately miss that at times too. But no, he hasn't once suggested us going out on our own or leaving Archie behind. He just seems to totally accept that his baby brother is one of us, a Barker, and he's more than happy to share his mummy and the rest of his family with him. Archie has no idea how lucky he is to have Henry as his older brother. 

This week I've been expressing a bottle every day to give to Archie in the hope that it'll get him used to feeding from a bottle and mean it's easier to leave him in the coming months. I have no intention of having a night away or long periods of time away from him, but I'm desperate to take Henry swimming or to the cinema or to maybe go for a quick meal without having a baby in my arms the entire time. "Me time" isn't remotely important to me this time, I know I'll get it back in the not too distant future and I can absolutely live with that. But what I won't get back is 3 year old Henry - my funny little toddler is changing every day and starts nursery in a matter of weeks, so I'm keen to make the most of my time with him and unfortunately his needs often come second when we have a baby who needs feeding and cuddling and changing, particularly when we're out and about. I feel desperately guilty for feeling this way at times, especially when my 3 year old seems to have adapted  better than I have, and I absolutely love our time all together, absolutely adore Archie just as much as I do Henry. I just really really would like to go to the cinema and eat popcorn with my biggest boy for an hour. How ridiculous. Anyway, he's taken a bottle well all week, sometimes I've only expressed an ounce, sometimes 2 or 3, but he's guzzled it each time and Henry absolutely loved being able to help with the feeding too, it's just a shame he and his daddy aren't quite so keen to do the 3am feed!!

Having said all that about missing time with just Henry and feeling so guilty about it, one of the best times in my weeks at the moment are Wednesday evenings. Another thing I feel guilty for (you'll notice a pattern...welcome to motherhood!) is that I don't spend as much time cuddling and cooing over Archie the way I did over Henry as a baby. Mainly because I'm rarely actually sat down unless I'm feeding! So on Wednesdays, when Henry has been sleeping at my mum's and while Daddy is out at football, that's what we do. We park ourselves on the sofa with the tv remote, tasty food and plenty to drink, and we don't move. I don't put Archie down when he drifts off and run around like a lunatic to do jobs, I just hold him and talk to him, soaking him up in a way that's not always possible when we're joined by the whirlwind toddler. I'm sure I'll post more about our Wednesdays because I love them so much. In fact, Wednesdays might be the best time to blog too! 

So that's it really, I'm sad that the newborn days are almost over, I'm not sure I'll be able to call my huge chunky baby a newborn for much longer. We have so much to look forward to - trips to London, Center Parcs and Spain, plenty of 'firsts' for both boys, cosy winter days at home and lots more. I just need to find some time to blog all about them...

Week 3 - out and about

Three whole weeks old. The week has absolutely flown by and it's somehow Monday again. We survived our first week with Daddy back at work this week. Dinner was still on the table every night, 5 shirts have been washed for the coming week (luckily Marmar is on hand to iron them!) and both boys were kept fed and watered and most importantly, alive. I can't believe how much more laid back it's been this time - I'd love to know what I managed to do with my days when I just had a newborn Henry, but I certainly never had dinner sorted or washing on when Mr B got home on an evening! It's not that we're necessarily doing amazingly this time around, it's more that we don't care as much when things don't go so well. If I don't get a bath on an evening or if we've eaten beans on toast for lunch three days in a row, who really cares?! If the baby's wardrobe still contains all the things he's outgrown and a pile of new clothes to sort through, does it honestly matter? So we're still feeling pretty relaxed, we've been getting out and about more, my poor boobs are out all the time feeding and Henry's still loving life as a big brother. 4 happy little Barkers. 

Weight - Archie hasn't been weighed since last Monday but I can see how much he's growing. He's totally out of all his newborn clothes now (waaaah!) and into 0-3 sizes. I'll probably take him to be weighed next week at the health visitor's clinic. 

Appointments - None thankfully! A nice quiet, appointment free week!  

Milestones - As I said, all the newborn clothes have been put away and we're into 0-3 now. He's lost his newborn, curled up, puffy look too which I'm so sad about. His features are changing and he's stretching out more every day. Why is time going so quickly?!

Personality - He's generally pretty good still. Happy to be put down as long as he's had a good feed and he's awake for longer periods now too. He had a couple of really grumpy days this weekend where he seemed to be in some kind of pain or discomfort, possibly just wind or possibly silent reflux. Like his brother was, he is rarely sick, I think he's once brought the tiniest bit of milk up after a feed but that's been it. Silent reflux does worry me a bit though because Henry suffered so badly with it before we realised what it was, so I'm definitely on high alert for that. 

Feeding - He's feeding well and often still. My boobs have finally toughened up so all pain is gone, except for if he has a long nap and they're really full. He feeds a lot in the day, very very rarely going longer than 2 hours without milk, but will go for 3-4 hours at night still. 

Sleep - Not so good this week but not horrendous either. We've had 2 really bad nights and the others have been okay - he tends to do a 3 hour stretch from 10-1 and then wakes up 2 hourly after that. He's still in his Sleepyhead by the side of the bed and he usually settles quickly in there after a feed. The difficult thing this time around is the fact that his big brother is awake by 7:30 every morning and during the week when Daddy is at work, I obviously have to get up with him regardless of the night we've had with Archie. But it's fine, I'm absolutely nowhere near as tired as I was with Henry when I was often totally delirious during night feeds, waking up in a blind panic about where I'd left my baby etc! 

Days out - We've had a busy week taking Henry to his various baby groups and stopping along the way for lots of coffee and cake too. My brother came to visit for the weekend so we went to Harvest Day at Wheelbirks for lunch on Saturday and then for a lovely Sunday roast at the garden centre too. We've still managed to squeeze in a few naps on an afternoon which has kept us all going and actually, some of my favourite moments have been during those lazy afternoons at home, just me and my two beautiful baby boys. 

Henry is still loving being a big brother and just adores Archie. He's never once been jealous, never asked me to put Archie down so I can cuddle him or play a game with him instead, nothing. He wakes up and goes straight to his baby brother every morning, constantly tells him how much he loves him, helps me change nappies, tells me what Simba's crying about (it's usually because 'he needs milkies' or 'has done a poop', but this week it was also because 'he's sad it's not Christmas yet' and 'he misses Marmar')! 

A week postpartum - I feel good still, tired, but happy. The tiredness is nothing like last time though and we're managing fine really now that daddy is back at work.

I haven't lost any more weight this week, mainly due to the fact that I'm starving ALL the bloody time. Like I just need to eat ALL day long. And that's not to mention the thirst. I'm just going with it for now, I can't even begin to think about dieting or healthier eating at this stage. Hand me the cake!