The No Cry Sleep Solution

Henry has never been a good sleeper. Ever. He's done a 5 hour stretch on 3 totally random occasions in the past 4 months, but his usual night is waking every 2 hours.

The general consensus is that I should do one of 2 things:

A) Live with it, he'll sleep through eventually and I should just get used to the tiredness

B) Try controlled crying

Now I know that controlled crying works for a lot of people. I'm unfortunately not one of those people. I can't deliberately upset and hurt my baby every night for a week for purely selfish reasons, even if the outcome is brilliant. I just can't do it. To me, if Henry is crying, there is a reason. It could be that his little body aches (and no wonder when you watch how he uses new muscles for the first time on an almost daily basis at the moment), it could be that he has a pain or that he is scared and needs reassurance that I'm there. I don't care what anyone says...he is a baby mammal and crying is his way of communicating... He is too young to be spoilt and he needs me to be his Mummy in the night, just as much as he needs me in the day. When I signed up for this mummy business, I signed up for the whole 24 hours.

Having said this, when I go back to work, surviving on a few hours sleep here and there in the night will be really hard and I will probably find myself stressed and run down and I really want to avoid that, if at all possible.

So I needed a solution and this is where the book comes in. It came recommend by a friend who said that it's no quick fix, but it certainly worked for her. I'm willing to try anything so here we go...

'The no-cry sleep solution' is by Elizabeth Pantley and she sounds like the sort of woman I'd take parenting advice from. She has children of her own for a start, unlike Gina Ford and many others. How you can advise people on breastfeeding and letting your own baby cry themselves to sleep when you've never experienced the feelings associated with either, I'm not sure, but anyway, that's a rant for another day. She understands that it's lovely to sit and cuddle your baby to sleep. She understands that sometimes when you're so tired, you'll do anything to get your baby to sleep. You know you shouldn't, but feeding to sleep works and that's why you keep doing it. I like that she seems to get that, she's not constantly battling against it. She doesn't forbid you from doing it and seems to be of the opinion that if you need to do these things for whatever reason then just start again properly tomorrow.

Anyway it's no quick fix but I'm willing to give it a go. If it gets me a few 4 hour stretches of sleep and some consistent naps then it'll be worth it. I'll give you an update on my blog after 2 weeks and 4 weeks to let you know how we're getting on. I fill in a chart every 10 days to look at progress and here is the analysis of last night's sleep chart...

Last night's sleep

Asleep time: 10:30pm

Awake time: 8:15am

Total number of awakenings: 5

Longest sleep span: 2 hours

Total number of sleep hours 8.25 hours

Fingers crossed for some improvement....wish us luck!!

Then and Now...

Looking at the pictures last night of just how much my beautiful son has grown in the past 17 weeks, I got thinking about how much I too, have changed. Apart from the obvious things like i now fill my day with nappy changes, feeds and entertaining Henry...there are a few things that differ between how I was as a parent of a week old baby and how I am now.

In week one, ALL of Henry's outfits matched. If something had come in a set, he would wear the whole of that set...bib, hat, the lot! These days I'm lucky if I can find a vaguely similar vest that matches the dungarees. The amount of washing that a tiny boy can create is astounding...I still can't get my head around it. Maybe it's to prepare me for the years ahead of washing muddy rugby kit and football boots all weekend!

In week one I was so desperate to bring out all of the things we'd bought for Henry to look at and play with. He wasn't vaguely interested in any of them and to be honest, still much prefers a wooden spoon and the bells that he discovered on the christmas tree last month! Yesterday he was sat in his baby snug chair playing with a tangerine, silicone egg poacher, wooden spoon, bells from the tree and one of his socks....I kid you not.

In week one if Henry was sick at all, even the tiniest drop, it'd mean an outfit change for both of us. Now, if it can be wiped with a muslin and it doesn't smell, I'm very much of the opinion that it'll dry in no time at all and the clothes will be fine until the evening. Why make unnecessary washing?

In the past 17 weeks I have learnt where every baby change and feeding room is across the north east. I'll never forget having a screaming baby walking aimlessly through Debenhams trying to find their feeding room or at least a member of staff I could ask! Now I'm a pro, I can sniff them out a mile off. To be fair, some of them smell so bad that it's not hard to sniff them out. Note to shops: it's no good just providing a nappy bin, you need to empty it regularly too. I don't want to feed my baby in a room that stinks of poo. 

Henry has taken a fond liking to 'In the Night Garden' and it means we can eat our dinner without holding him too which is a massive bonus! It also means that I know all the words to the Upsy Daisy song, Makka Pakka song (is this even a song?! Who made this up?!) and Iggle Piggle song. We even sing Henry his own  version of Iggle Piggle's...."yes his name is Henry Barker, Henry David Henry David Barker..." You get the idea. Somehow, very quickly, we've turned into an actual family rather than a smug married couple with an immaculate house! We will soon know all of the programmes on Cbeebies and have favourites. In fact, I'm sure Rob is so happy to get up with Henry early on a weekend because it buys him some time to watch cartoons! 

I think before you have children you have this ideal image of your perfect little family. That perfect picture doesn't include your baby in an outfit that doesn't match. It certainly doesn't include a silicone egg poacher in your baby's hand! After a few weeks though, your perfect family picture turns to reality and you realise that your child's health and happiness is important above everything else. If the wooden spoon makes him happy, sod the £50 activity centre you so excitedly bought when you were 12 weeks pregnant! As long as he's clean and smiling, you are doing just fine.

Where did my baby go?

I'm in bed having a little cry to myself because it's my baby's last night in his Moses basket. I've been in total denial about this and thought we'd at least get to 4/5 months, but no...tomorrow Marmar and I are going shopping for a crib. Where did my tiny baby go?

Just to make you chuckle...

Here's my little American footballer...

"Steal my milk and I'll 'ave ya" - tough guy stare!

I can smile too!

Outfit is from Carters in America. Their clothes are fab. I have a few friends that have some clothes from there too and they're so lovely...wish we could get them here. I find so much of the boys' clothes you can buy here so boring and EVERYTHING is blue or grey!!

A few articles from the past week...

Just a few links to some articles that I've read this week:

http://news.yahoo.com/feed-babies-want-pope-tells-mothers-sistine-chapel-105540106.html

Aside from being the Pope, he just seems like such a nice man. I think it's great that he wants people to breastfeed freely, but I think it's sad that he had to even say this. It's sad that people feel uncomfortable feeding their babies in public and the reality is that there are many people that are judgemental about it in western society.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2538617/I-paid-It-amazing-Shameless-actress-Emmy-Rossum-boasts-US-television-got-ill-Britain-given-free-healthcare.html

We don't appreciate the NHS enough and I think the government need to tackle its shortcomings and lack of funding head on or we risk losing it. We are SO lucky to have it and I don't think people will fully appreciate this until it's no longer there.

http://www.bigissue.com/mix/news/3385/educating-yorkshire-open-letter-michael-gove

This is spoken for the thousands of teachers in this country. I really don't think there is one of them that could disagree. I also don't think there will be many teachers voting Conservative in the next election simply because of Michael Gove. My faith in David Cameron as a leader is massively diminished because he clearly trusts and respects this idiot to reform (ruin) the education system. Mr Steer is also a legend. I LOVED Educating Yorkshire, brilliant piece of television.

Evolution vs Feminism

If someone was to ask me about the things that worry me most about the way I'm bringing up my baby at the moment I would say the following:

• I worry that I shouldn't let him fall asleep on my knee on an afternoon. I should battle to get him to stay in his cot because everyone says that's where babies should sleep during the day.

• I worry that I'm the only person that can settle Henry when he's upset or over tired and there will be times that I can't be there with him.

• I worry that he'll never sleep through the night.

• I worry that I shouldn't put him in our bed with us because he'll never sleep on his own again and I'll never get a good night's rest.

• I worry that he won't take a bottle, how will I ever stop breastfeeding?

• I worry that we don't do enough activities and we aren't making the most of my time off work.

Work

All of the above worries stem from having to go back to work. 

The thought of sitting down to watch tv every afternoon while my baby/toddler has a nap on my knee sounds appealing. It's only a worry because I know that it will have to stop in a few months time and I don't know if he'll be able to adapt to that. 

I wouldn't have to worry about being the only person to settle Henry if I wasn't going back to work. I would be the person settling him every day anyway. 

I wouldn't be putting all of us through the trauma of getting Henry to accept a bottle if I wasn't going back to work. Why would I? I'm perfectly happy to breastfeed until he's one when he'll be able to have cow's milk from a sippy cup. 

I wouldn't worry about the lack of sleep as much because a PJ day with plenty of trashy TV and endless cups of tea is great after an awful night's sleep. Teaching a class of 30 children all day and keeping them safe on 3 hours sleep sounds horrendous and I dread the day that I have to do it. 

I wouldn't worry about trying to fill every day with classes and activities, I'd enjoy doing nothing but cuddling and playing hidey boo, over and over again. After all, if I didn't have to work I'd have almost 5 whole years to fill before I wave my precious baby off on his first day of school.

My husband earns a good wage but it wouldn't support our lifestyle. Yes I could probably give up work if we sold our house and moved into a 2 bed flat in a rougher area, sold both new cars and bought an old banger, gave up our holidays, nice clothes, farm shop groceries and eating out habit. I'm not sure that would make me happy. I don't think I'd be happy not being able to choose where we lived so that I could also choose Henry's school. I can picture our first family holiday and look forward to walks on the beach with my little boy in his tiny Real Madrid kit that is hanging in his wardrobe ready for his first trip to Spain. His daddy can't wait to play bat and ball with him in the sea (thank the Lord that I won't have to play that anymore and might get 5 minutes to read my book in peace). I like that we have 2 big, reliable cars and we can afford to buy our cheeky monkey a high chair this weekend when we go to Mothercare without worrying about the cost. All of these things mean that I will have to go back to work in a few months and I will have to leave my precious boy with his Marmar. Luckily he absolutely adores her, she is one of his very favourite people and I know that she will care for him like no other. She will give him her undivided attention and fill his days with love, cuddles, farm trips, picnics in the garden and baking. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I had to put him in nursery full time. I think we'd have to go down the selling the house and cars option.

This dilemma is a new one for women and i think that a woman's role has changed WAY faster than evolution has. Ultimately, women are made and genetically programmed to have children. No matter how you look at it, the human body is designed so that women carry, give birth, feed and bond with their own babies like no other (If a woman chooses not to do this, that is absolutely fine, but you can't deny that having babies is what her body is designed to do). It means we worry about our baby like no other and we want the very best for them...I know that the best thing for my baby is ME bringing him up, all day, every day and it's so hard accepting that that isn't going to happen.

If we look back 40 years to the early 1970s, just 14% of mothers worked. That figure is now 68%. That is a massive shift in such a short space of time. You may think that 40 years is a long time, but when you compare it to the millions of years that humankind have been around and the 200,000 years that modern man has been on this planet, it is a tiny tiny amount. For the hundreds of thousands of years before today, mothers have brought up their children. End of story. Evolution doesn't work in 40 years. We have the same protective, maternal feelings that we did for all of those years when we almost certainly would have been at home with our babies. Yet we are expected to go back to work and leave our babies, very often with total strangers. We are expected to be able to 'perform' at work and adapt to our new life as a working mummy....it's what people do nowadays after all. This is what I am struggling with. I could be just a mummy no problem at all and I know that I could be just a teacher perfectly well too. I'm really really unsure of how I'll ever do both to the best of my abilities....

So, if there's anyone reading this with a spare 20 grand in their bank that they would like to give me so that I can be 'just a mummy' to Henry until he goes to school, I'll send you my bank details....if not, you're just going to have to put up with my moaning blog posts as I struggle to balance my crazy life as a working mummy.

(I really hope this doesn't come across as an anti-feminist blog post. It certainly isn't my intention. I strongly believe in a woman's right to choose what she does with her life and I think women, and their bodies, are absolutely amazing. I simply feel that the feminist movement has changed a woman's role in society hugely over a short space of time, but evolution hasn't been able to keep up with changing our bodies and emotions to fit...)

Beware of the Smug Mummy

I was having a conversation via text with one of my mummy friends yesterday and the conversation ended with her saying "No one likes a smug mummy" which got me thinking...she was right, there is nothing worse than a Smug Mummy and they should be avoided at all costs! Bridget Jones used to talk of Smug Marrieds in her diaries but let me tell you, the Smug Mummy is much, much worse!

What is a Smug Mummy? I hear you ask. Well, let me fill you in.

The Smug Mummy is the type that turns up to the 9am baby group in heels. Yes, heels. The rest of us wear trainers or boots and to be quite honest, I'm having a good day if my converse match (story for another day...).

The Smug Mummy also turns up to said baby group with a full face of make up, eye liner, lip gloss and everything. The rest of us mere mortals have spent approximately 20 seconds applying our industrial strength concealer under our eyes and even then, it was done one handed whilst feeding the baby. There's nothing worse than when you get in the car and look in your rear view mirror to see spots of concealer all over your face and it's only then that you remember that you went to pick up the baby half way through applying it and you didn't actually ever get round to blending! I tell a lie...there is something worse. It's when the above happens and you've also had a full conversation with a neighbour and taken a parcel from the postman between applying the concealer and getting in your car. Epic fail. Things like this don't happen to Smug Mummies.

Smug Mummies were the ones making organic flapjacks within days of their babies being born to serve to their guests. My guests were lucky to get a hobnob from the back of the cupboard and our dinners consisted of frozen delights from the freezer, takeaways or Mum's deliveries. Smug Mummies NEVER got takeaways in the early days, they only ever eat organic after all.

The Smug Mummy is the one that knows all the words to every lullaby ever written and can sing them in an angel like voice to settle her baby in seconds. Henry is lucky that I know all 3 verses of Nelly the Elephant (thanks to Google) and to be honest, lullabies are over rated anyway. I've become pretty good at having a full on rant about our lack of sleep in a calming and gentle voice, so not to upset the baby but to air my frustrations before I explode. Who needs lullabies?!

The Smug Mummy has perfectly highlighted and straightened hair. When she has time to have these things done I don't know. Actually her baby will probably take a bottle of expressed milk for his daddy with no problems at all, allowing her to have frequent hairdresser appointments while the rest of us buy every single bottle and sippy cup going in the hope of leaving the house for more than an hour at a time, only to find that it makes no difference...our babies will refuse to drink from it if they'd rather have a boob.

The Smug Mummy is the one that gives you 'the look' at baby massage class as your baby wriggles and screams their way through the supposed relaxing session. Her baby, of course, has fallen into a light sleep and the Smug Mummy is rather annoyed that her peace is being broken by your baby's protests about being brought to such a ludicrous class when he'd much rather be at messy play.

Talking of falling into a light sleep, Smug Mummies have babies that sleep for 12 hours every night. They don't have growth spurts that affect their sleep, when they're ill they aren't the babies that cluster feed all night long, they prefer to sleep it off and have a 15 hour sleep rather than the usual 12. Smug Mummy then posts this news on Facebook and tells her friends how concerned she is for little Baby Smug. If she woke up 8 times a night, every night, then she'd have something to be concerned about!! Smug Mummy doesn't have to feed or rock her baby to sleep, her baby is perfectly happy to lie and coo sweetly to herself before falling asleep whilst Mummy makes an organic Moroccan tagine downstairs ready for Daddy getting home.

Smug Mummies are the ones that wore a full face of make up during labour. The ones that didn't even break a sweat and because of this, look amazing on their first photos with baby. On our first photos I am covered in spots due to the crazy pregnancy hormones that filled my body for 9 months. Smug Mummies didn't get these hormones, I'm not sure they've ever had a spot in their lives.

They were the mummies that bloomed during pregnancy. They certainly never had to crawl along the floor of the bedroom to make it to the en-suite to be sick whilst desperately hoping that their squished bladder would hold on for 2 more minutes before exploding. They never had a dodgy belly, strange cravings or pigged out. They never "ate for 2" and took great pleasure in telling us mere mortals that this is a myth and we only actually needed 200 extra calories per day. Time to put the brownie down...

Because of their dedication during pregnancy, Smug Mummies were the ones leaving hospital in their size 8 skinny jeans with their babies dressed in the softest of cashmere romper suits...clearly the babies of Smug Mummies don't have poo explosions, wee leaks or projectile vomit moments like the rest of us.

Smug Mummies and married to Smug Daddies too, but that's a whole new blog post. Don't get me started.

I really could go on about this all day but my house is a mess, I have no make up on, I have greasy hair and my baby is still in his PJs. I have expressed 3oz of milk and written this blog post though so today is a successful day! I suppose Smug Mummy has probably already had her homemade granola and organic yogurt with green tea (decaf, of course), done some charity work, caught up on last night's Newsnight and sang lullabies to her baby. I'm sure the baby is dressed for the day (in cashmere, naturally) and they have plenty of educational activities to get through before a relaxing lunch with friends at a posh restaurant where their babies will absolutely not scream or throw food around.

Who'd want to be a Yummy Mummy anyway?!

(Yes, Smug Mummies, we let our son sleep on us and yes, we know it's a bad habit but do you know what...we enjoy it and it buys us half an hour of peace to catch up on our trashy tv that we so love to watch)