Beware of the Smug Mummy

I was having a conversation via text with one of my mummy friends yesterday and the conversation ended with her saying "No one likes a smug mummy" which got me thinking...she was right, there is nothing worse than a Smug Mummy and they should be avoided at all costs! Bridget Jones used to talk of Smug Marrieds in her diaries but let me tell you, the Smug Mummy is much, much worse!

What is a Smug Mummy? I hear you ask. Well, let me fill you in.

The Smug Mummy is the type that turns up to the 9am baby group in heels. Yes, heels. The rest of us wear trainers or boots and to be quite honest, I'm having a good day if my converse match (story for another day...).

The Smug Mummy also turns up to said baby group with a full face of make up, eye liner, lip gloss and everything. The rest of us mere mortals have spent approximately 20 seconds applying our industrial strength concealer under our eyes and even then, it was done one handed whilst feeding the baby. There's nothing worse than when you get in the car and look in your rear view mirror to see spots of concealer all over your face and it's only then that you remember that you went to pick up the baby half way through applying it and you didn't actually ever get round to blending! I tell a lie...there is something worse. It's when the above happens and you've also had a full conversation with a neighbour and taken a parcel from the postman between applying the concealer and getting in your car. Epic fail. Things like this don't happen to Smug Mummies.

Smug Mummies were the ones making organic flapjacks within days of their babies being born to serve to their guests. My guests were lucky to get a hobnob from the back of the cupboard and our dinners consisted of frozen delights from the freezer, takeaways or Mum's deliveries. Smug Mummies NEVER got takeaways in the early days, they only ever eat organic after all.

The Smug Mummy is the one that knows all the words to every lullaby ever written and can sing them in an angel like voice to settle her baby in seconds. Henry is lucky that I know all 3 verses of Nelly the Elephant (thanks to Google) and to be honest, lullabies are over rated anyway. I've become pretty good at having a full on rant about our lack of sleep in a calming and gentle voice, so not to upset the baby but to air my frustrations before I explode. Who needs lullabies?!

The Smug Mummy has perfectly highlighted and straightened hair. When she has time to have these things done I don't know. Actually her baby will probably take a bottle of expressed milk for his daddy with no problems at all, allowing her to have frequent hairdresser appointments while the rest of us buy every single bottle and sippy cup going in the hope of leaving the house for more than an hour at a time, only to find that it makes no difference...our babies will refuse to drink from it if they'd rather have a boob.

The Smug Mummy is the one that gives you 'the look' at baby massage class as your baby wriggles and screams their way through the supposed relaxing session. Her baby, of course, has fallen into a light sleep and the Smug Mummy is rather annoyed that her peace is being broken by your baby's protests about being brought to such a ludicrous class when he'd much rather be at messy play.

Talking of falling into a light sleep, Smug Mummies have babies that sleep for 12 hours every night. They don't have growth spurts that affect their sleep, when they're ill they aren't the babies that cluster feed all night long, they prefer to sleep it off and have a 15 hour sleep rather than the usual 12. Smug Mummy then posts this news on Facebook and tells her friends how concerned she is for little Baby Smug. If she woke up 8 times a night, every night, then she'd have something to be concerned about!! Smug Mummy doesn't have to feed or rock her baby to sleep, her baby is perfectly happy to lie and coo sweetly to herself before falling asleep whilst Mummy makes an organic Moroccan tagine downstairs ready for Daddy getting home.

Smug Mummies are the ones that wore a full face of make up during labour. The ones that didn't even break a sweat and because of this, look amazing on their first photos with baby. On our first photos I am covered in spots due to the crazy pregnancy hormones that filled my body for 9 months. Smug Mummies didn't get these hormones, I'm not sure they've ever had a spot in their lives.

They were the mummies that bloomed during pregnancy. They certainly never had to crawl along the floor of the bedroom to make it to the en-suite to be sick whilst desperately hoping that their squished bladder would hold on for 2 more minutes before exploding. They never had a dodgy belly, strange cravings or pigged out. They never "ate for 2" and took great pleasure in telling us mere mortals that this is a myth and we only actually needed 200 extra calories per day. Time to put the brownie down...

Because of their dedication during pregnancy, Smug Mummies were the ones leaving hospital in their size 8 skinny jeans with their babies dressed in the softest of cashmere romper suits...clearly the babies of Smug Mummies don't have poo explosions, wee leaks or projectile vomit moments like the rest of us.

Smug Mummies and married to Smug Daddies too, but that's a whole new blog post. Don't get me started.

I really could go on about this all day but my house is a mess, I have no make up on, I have greasy hair and my baby is still in his PJs. I have expressed 3oz of milk and written this blog post though so today is a successful day! I suppose Smug Mummy has probably already had her homemade granola and organic yogurt with green tea (decaf, of course), done some charity work, caught up on last night's Newsnight and sang lullabies to her baby. I'm sure the baby is dressed for the day (in cashmere, naturally) and they have plenty of educational activities to get through before a relaxing lunch with friends at a posh restaurant where their babies will absolutely not scream or throw food around.

Who'd want to be a Yummy Mummy anyway?!

(Yes, Smug Mummies, we let our son sleep on us and yes, we know it's a bad habit but do you know what...we enjoy it and it buys us half an hour of peace to catch up on our trashy tv that we so love to watch)