Another baby?

I've always wanted a big family, always imagined myself surrounded by loads of children and if Mr B would let me, I said we'd have 5 children (he only wants two so this is an issue!). One of my first ever blog posts was about the perfect age gap between siblings, so it's been on my mind for a while now. I hear so many mummies tell me that a small gap is perfect because their children grow up being the best of friends - I meet a lot of children in my job and now as a mummy and I can honestly say that I've never met siblings that are best friends before they hit the teenage years. Why does this happen?! But then I can see that big age gaps are a total nightmare too, what would you even do for a day trip to entertain a 2 year old as well as a 10 year old. There's no easy answer. 

I have so many pregnant friends and friends with newborns at the moment and with Henry coming up to his second birthday, a lot of people have asked us about #2 and we've discussed it a lot recently too. And the really strange thing about it is, despite the crazy broodiness, I really don't know if we want another one yet or any time soon. In my head I know that a three year gap would be ideal for all kinds of reasons, but I can't seem to get excited about it, so I'm not sure 2016 will be the year that Henry becomes a big brother.

Truth be told, I am absolutely terrified of having another. There's the usual things of worrying that you won't love another baby as much or that your first born will feel left out. The usual worries about money and the realities of poor maternity pay are never far away. But that's not all, there's something more that's making me seriously reconsider trying for number two and I just can't seem to shake it.

You go into your first pregnancy blissfully unaware and naive of all the things that can go wrong, and now I'm more than aware of all those things having chatted to a whole host of mummy friends at baby groups and reading mummy forums since having Henry. I'm pretty much guaranteed another 3 months of morning sickness, this time with a toddler to get up with and to entertain too. I was so lucky to have an easy pregnancy (minus the sickness), but I'm so aware now of all that potentially can go wrong and realise just how lucky I was last time. I had a long, but pretty easy birth and I felt absolutely fine just an hour afterwards. No stitches, no pain and a really easy recovery. I'm so worried that that won't happen next time and I'll really struggle, especially with having Henry too. Breastfeeding was an absolute dream first time around, but I've heard more than my fair share of shredded nipple horror stories since having him which makes me think that we just got lucky. He was a dream baby, slept horrendously, but was, and is, such a happy amenable little thing, so adaptable and just fits in with whatever. It's Sod's law that we'll get an absolute demon child next. I really have found myself thinking that maybe we should just stop at one, we should count ourselves lucky with what we have and enjoy our very beautiful and easy life.

I really really love our life. I love the hours that I work, I love my trips out for coffee and cake with Henry, love our afternoons spent at the farm or the park, snuggling in bed at nap time and quiet evenings just the three of us. I love going for lunch together on a Saturday afternoon, knowing that Henry will be well behaved and a Peppa Pig sticker book will keep him happy. I vividly remember how hard meals were when he was 5 months old and I'm not sure I'm ready to go back there. Quite honestly I really don't know if I'm ready to give up our beautiful life yet, as selfish as that sounds. I know a lot of people feel like this before they have their first child, but we never did, so it's all a bit alien to me and I think I'm just hoping that these fears go away in a year or two because in my heart I know I don't want Henry to be an only child.

But then I see stressed looking mummies with their brood of naughty children throwing food around the restaurant and screaming at one another about who won the last round of eye-spy. I see their enormous double buggies squeezing through tiny gaps in cafes and shops and their harassed faces as they try to find their purse whilst breastfeeding a baby and reading to a toddler. I'm really really not ready for that yet. 

So in the meantime, until this ridiculous fear has subsided, I'm going to flick through the Boden Autumn catalogue and make the most of being able to afford posh baby clothes while I still only have one. I may even go and make myself a cup of tea while Henry sleeps or have a nap myself. Let's just hope I get bored of napping, Boden and peaceful afternoons soon, or poor Henry will never get a sibling.