The funny thing about this post is when I was planning it out, the 'bad' aspects were so much easier to think of than the 'good'....how terrible. I ADORE being a mummy and am beyond happy, so I can only assume that that crazy, maternal, unconditional love must make up for all the shit (literally) that comes with that beautiful tiny person. Anyway, here goes. I'm going to start with the bad and save the best till last....
The truth about having a toddler...the bad bits
1. Bodily fluids. Sick, wee, poo, snot, eye gunk, drool...yeah, that.
2. The fact that your toddler still doesn't sleep is just downright depressing. Those smug 'my child sleeps through' statuses on Facebook make you irrationally angry with those friends that you actually really like a lot, so much so that you'd probably trade the life of that friend for one full nights sleep. Honestly, it's that bad.
3. You start to become totally terrified of a tiny person. We regularly refer to Henry as the Tiny Terrorist which isn't as cute as The Pigwidgeon, which we called him when he was tiny, squishy and full of joy as opposed to full of psycho toddler tantrums. When dining out with friends, you are terrified of a meltdown. They can happen at any time so you can't relax for a second. Yesterday I dared to wake my child up from his nap to take him out for an exciting afternoon to the park and swimming. It resulted in a 45 minute meltdown. I looked down at his red, angry, tear and snot stained face and thought 'I only bloody wanted to take you swimming!', it wasn't like I'd stolen his favourite toy or was forcing him to eat sprouts. Toddlers overreact. In fact, tantrums are nearly always about totally ridiculous things. Another of yesterday's tantrums was because Marmar had taken a carrot from Henry as he got in to the car. Removing a vegetable from a toddler is a tragic event apparently.
You then become so terrified of a meltdown, that you'll do everything to avoid one. So you start giving in and letting them do anything that they want, just to keep the peace. You become that type of mother that you always said you'd never be. Just kill me now.
4. You sing nursery rhymes ALL the time. You wake up at 3am still singing Incy Wincy Spider and you no longer know any of the songs in the Top 40 but you could recite the track list, in order, of your toddler's nursery rhyme CD. You could do the actions to Wind the Bobbin Up backwards, standing on your head, and you regularly get the whole way to work before realising that you've missed the opportunity for 15 minutes precious radio time, and instead have spent your child-free journey singing along to The Wheels on the Bus. Let's just hope you weren't sat in traffic doing the actions too. And don't get me started on the catchiness of The Bing Bong Song. (I just had to stop writing this blog post to sing Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Totally normal occurrence.)
5. Buying yourself an £8 Primark top is about as exciting as it gets. You'll never treat yourself again. Your child, on the other hand, will be dressed head to toe in Baby Boden. The other day I looked down at our shoes and realised that I could have bought 9 pairs of my Primark shoes for the price of 1 pair of Henry's trainers. Seriously.
6. Toddlers get in to everything. That pot of expensive face cream you'd been saving, yep, that. That bottle of overpriced vanilla extract in the baking cupboard....that too. A toddler can empty a cupboard in seconds, it's an actual talent. For some reason it takes 29 times as long to put everything back in to said cupboard.
7. Before babies you could go down to the kitchen and grab a treat if you fancied one. Your fridge was stocked full of prosecco, posh yogurts and there was always some good cake knocking about. Toddlers want to share everything, nothing is your own again. So you stop buying the tasty treats for fear of an obese toddler with rotting teeth. So now when you fancy a treat you open the fridge to be greeted by a pan of organic chicken tagine, couscous salad, homemadefruit puree and sugar snap peas. Just what you fancy after a stressful day at work.
8. Your body is still going absolutely mental. After having a baby I can understand it, the raging hormones and healing body, all pretty good excuses for your body to feel totally alien to you. But after a year, surely it should be easing up a little? My hair is still falling out like there's no tomorrow, it's a surprise I have any left on my head to be honest. In its place is growing some really attractive, short, wispy pieces of hair. Really easy to style, as I'm sure you can imagine. I appear to have a single hair growing out of my chin too, I kid you not, and my leg hair, which has never grown quickly in my life, now resembles the Amazon rainforest. My weight and appetite are fluctuating as much as a teenage girl's and I cry at anything. All of the time. All very attractive stuff, my husband has no idea how lucky he is. (By the way, the stray chin hair gets plucked as soon as its visible, I'm not embracing that side of mummyhood).
9. You get no peace. Ever. The minute you dip your toe into the bath that you've just run, your toddler will wake up. It's some crazy 6th sense they have, they smell you starting to relax, and hey presto, they're screaming like a crazy thing. That overpriced Lush bath bomb isn't quite so relaxing when accompanied by frenzied screaming from next door I can tell you. You will never go for a wee alone again and no body part is your own. When falling asleep, it's apparently totally acceptable for a toddler to shove his hands down your top for a feel of your boobs to comfort him, and fingers up your nose and in your mouth are commonplace if they're within reaching distance of your toddler's grubby mitts.
10. The guilt that came with a newborn was bad, but the toddler guilt is worse. A newborn crying when you left the house was bad, but you could always convince yourself that it was because they needed winding or a nappy change. You can't really mistake the reason your toddler is screaming when they're shouting 'Nooooo Mama Nooooo' whilst bashing their fists on the front door as you try to sneak out for a few hours peace with your friends. You feel guilty ALL the time. When you're away from them you feel like the worst mum alive, when you're with them you feel like you should be doing more exciting activites. Mums 50 years ago didn't feel the pressure from the Perfect Pinterest brigade with their sensory play and baby-led shit. They were happy to sit their babies with a pan and a spoon and let them make some noise. They didn't need an Early Learning Goal to go with every activity they planned.
When your toddler refuses to let you brush their teeth and you only manage 1 minute and 20 seconds worth of brushing, you spend the next few hours feeling guilty and worrying that those missing 40 seconds of tooth brushing will cause serious tooth decay in the future. When you serve up an easy dinner, you feel guilty that you didn't make more effort. You feel guilty when you forget socks for soft play, when you don't have change for the cafe in the park. You feel guilty for letting them watch Peppa Pig while you check emails and baking from a 'box' kit rather than from scratch. You actually can't escape it. In the end, you just have to embrace the guilt, and then feel guilty for not feeling guilty enough. That actually happens too.
And there you have it, the absolute truth about life with a toddler. I never thought I'd be sharing the truth of my solo chin hair with the world but apparently being a mummy makes you lose all shame and social awareness too....add that to the list as number 11! Right, now for the good bits.
The truth about having a toddler...the best bits
1. You know deep inside that your newborn baby loves you, even when all they give you is shitty nappies and screams to demand milk. You know that your toddler loves you because they can say it, and because their little faces light up when they see you. You know they love you when they stroke your face last thing at night as they fall asleep and when only you will do when they're upset. They don't care that you made no effort with their dinner and are thrilled when you make a cake from a box. They don't care because they just love you and they love spending time with you. Every tantrum forgiven right there.
2. You do fun things every single day. In my spare time before baby, I lay on the sofa a lot, watched old reruns of the Kardashians a lot and to be honest, not a lot else. We didn't feel the need to make the most of every weekend and would stay in bed until lunchtime most Saturdays. Now we go somewhere different every day, whether it be the farm, the shops or the park. We go out for coffee and cake and out for dinner regularly, we are always busy and very rarely sit down to watch the Kardashians. Life is exciting, toddlers make life exciting, even if, at times, the threat of an imminent tantrum can dampen that excitement somewhat.
3. After university, new friends don't really come around very often. You make a good set of work friends, but apart from that, everyone is busy settling down with a partner and your social life slows down a bit. And then along comes a baby and then you meet other mummies, or The Mummy Mafia as they are referred to by Mr B. No one really understands you like your mummy friends. You don't have to worry about tantrums in their presence and you know if your toddler knocks over their drink, they won't tut or sigh, they'll whip out a muslin from their bag and start to mop it up. They don't judge if you look like absolute death, if your clothes aren't ironed and they are never too busy for coffee, cake and baby talk. Thank the Lord for mummy friends is all I can say.
4. When you have a toddler with you, everyone is friendly. The person in front of you in the queue in Tesco chats to you, whilst the checkout girl waves at the toddler. When your toddler shouts 'Dada' whilst pointing to a totally random man who bears a tiny resemblance to your other half, you initially wish the ground could swallow you up, but at least it starts up a conversation. People are happier when there are toddlers around; they make people smile. We were out earlier today at Beamish and Henry had the whole sweet shop hysterical while we were watching the man demonstrate how to make old fashioned sweets. He made everyone interact and talk to one another. Such a shame that it takes a crazy little person to do that.
5. Your child may have no limits when it comes to following you in to the loo and touching your body, but no one will love your body as much as that little person. When I get out of the shower and Henry sees my boobs, his eyes widen and he says 'oooooh aaaaahhhh' with a huge smile on his face. Every single time. Your toddler will think that you're the most beautiful person in the world and they really don't mind those fluffy bits of new hair that are impossible to tame, all the better for winding their fingers around as they drift off to sleep.
6. You might have no time for dates and alone time with your partner now you have a toddler in the house, but watching your partner giggle and play with your little one warms your heart like nothing else. Watching the man you love becoming an amazing daddy every day and enjoying life as a little family really can't be beaten. Not by a wee in peace or any date night.
7. Seeing the world through the eyes of a toddler is beautiful. A field of sheep is awe inspiring and as you pass horses in the field by the side of the road, you get excited and shout 'Look! Horsies!' before you realise that you're actually the only one in the car. Making a smoothie is apparently one of the most exciting things you can do and sitting outside in the garden is an adventure. Your toddler doesn't see the dead flowers and the grass in need of cutting, he sees only the adventure ahead of him. You wake up with a smile on your face (and usually a toddler's finger up your nose). You go to bed with a smile on your face (and a baby monitor by your side). The world is a very beautiful and exciting place if you just look through the eyes of a child.
8. You are well aware that your child is no genius and you'd be more than happy if they turn out to be bang on average, but every little thing that they learn amazes you. The fact that they can wake up and say a new word is amazing and you can't help but bore people about their latest milestone. You may be sick of singing nursery rhymes, but you'd never get sick of watching your little one wind the bobbin up or row his boat. Watching a child develop every day is an absolute honour and a privilege and makes every tantrum and sleepless night totally worth it. There's even some new found research which claims that when toddlers are being particularly difficult, it's actually because they're going through a massive development leap. I'm pretty convinced this is absolute crap and this is just a rumour to help get us all through those horrendous days of which there are plenty with a tantruming toddler. At least when you can convince yourself that he or she is turning into a genius, there seems to be a reason for the totally irrational screaming.
9. Toddlers are the best excuse ever. Don't fancy that party with that group of friends? Can't leave the toddler that night. Couldn't be bothered to clean the house? Blame the toddler and his messiness. Want to go out for dinner? You really need to be consistent and make sure the toddler gets used to eating out and learns how to behave in restaurants. Need a lie in? Tell your other half that the toddler had you up all night and he slept through it all. Works every time.
10. Having a little partner in crime by your side every hour of every day is simply the best thing ever. You always have a friend to go for coffee with and you have an excuse to sit and play for hours. You always have a friend to talk to and above all, you have a reason for being, a reason to get up in the morning and a reason to go to bed at night (even if it means getting up really really early and having to go to bed at 8pm because the little bugger will no doubt be up several times in the night).
No comments:
Post a Comment