Don't leave mum holding the baby

I read an interesting article earlier written by a doula which basically said how wrong it is that we 'expect' to feel depressed and sad after we've had a baby. I hated the negativity of blog posts and articles when I was pregnant, and even more so since having Henry, that would tell women how hard they'd find having a newborn, how it was fine to be miserable, to cry every day. This doula was horrified that this is the 'norm' in our society; that we expect to feel miserable. Particularly at a time when our bodies are naturally pumping out the oxytocin (happy hormone) to help us bond with our new arrivals. It's not 'normal' to feel totally miserable, it's normal in our society though. She puts this down to the fact that women are expected to be with their babies all day on their own. Their husbands go back to work after a week or two and they are literally left holding the baby. All day. Alone. Of course they're bloody miserable, particularly when previously they've had high flying careers or spent their days out with friends enjoying the company of others.

I absolutely adored my newborn days with Henry. I didn't even get that miserable day on day 6 where you are supposed to cry all day. I loved every single second. I felt like I was 'supposed' to be miserable. How wrong is that?! I now realise that the reason I loved those first few weeks was because all I had to do was look after Henry. Every morning I'd wake up and on my bedside table would be a glass of cold milk to pour over a bowl of cereal and a glass of cold orange juice. My husband did every food shop, made sure the house was hoovered and the kitchen clean. Every day my mum would arrive with a homemade lunch for me and she'd take Henry for a walk while I slept. She'd take home a load of washing and it would come back ironed the following day. My husband made gallons and gallons of squash; I'd never been so thirsty in my life. I very rarely poured a drink. My days literally consisted of sitting on a sofa watching trashy tv with a feeding baby who occasionally needed a nappy change. What's not to love? 

Unfortunately other people don't have that support. So many people don't have family living close by or husbands that work long hours. Sitting in a house for 12 hours alone every day would make anyone miserable. In the past neighbours wouldn't have thought twice about letting themselves in to bring a new mum some lunch, or to take the baby out in a pram. My mum always told me that when I was born her auntie would pop in to peel the potatoes and prepare dinner to help my mum out. It's just what happened back then, no one thought twice about it. Now new mums are up making tea and cake for visitors the day after giving birth. They're expected to have tidy houses and to look presentable. They definitely shouldn't be late for baby massage class three weeks postpartum and they should always have dinner on the table for their husbands. Gina Ford would even tell you to have sex with your husband asap after birth, literally a case of gritting your teeth and getting on with it, all for your husband's sake. Life should go on as normal after having a baby apparently. How wrong is this? What has happened to society for this to become normal?

The article I read has definitely made me think a bit more. I wonder what I could do for friends with new babies, particularly those with little support or who feel like they should be back on their feet the day after giving birth. I wish it was ok in our society to ask for help more, for women not to feel like failures for asking a friend to make them some dinner or to come and watch the baby while they shower. I wish it was more normal for women to stay in their PJs for a month after giving birth rather than slapping on the concealer to get to baby sensory class on time. Above all I am so grateful for the support I received, and still receive daily, that help me to be the best mummy possible to the most important little boy in my world. He is happy and content because his mummy is happy and content. I still have a nap most days, my house is still a mess, my skirting boards crying out for a good cleaning. My husband still does the food shop and hoovers the house, my mum still takes the odd load of washing and does the ironing. We all need to make more of an effort to help new mummies and get rid of this awful assumption that it's ok to be miserable after having a baby. It's not and it makes diagnosing real post-natal depression really difficult. Women are asking midwives and doctors for help because they feel miserable and they're being told that it's normal to feel like this. How, then, do we distinguish between this and depression? How to we ensure that mothers who are desperate for help aren't being turned away and being told that what they're feeling is normal when it absolutely isn't. It doesn't have to be this way, if only our attitudes to child birth and parenting were more like they were 100 years ago we'd all be a lot happier. In the meantime I'm going to get off my soap box and return to my messy house, huge pile of washing and dirty skirting boards. And do you know what? I've never been happier.

This is how we spent our newborn days. Absolute perfection.