Working Mummy Guilt

 I'd say my work/life balance is pretty good these days. I wish I'd worked part time years ago but it's not really something you even consider until you have children is it?

This last week has been tough though; the first week back after having a week off and spending every day and night with my little family. I've hated it to be honest, Henry hasn't been well and I haven't been able to look after him. He has been sleeping horrendously and I've had to function at work on very little sleep. All in all, a pretty crappy one. Friends from work were going out yesterday evening and I'd planned to go with them, but as soon as I got home with Henry I knew that I couldn't go out again, even once he was in bed. I just wanted to snuggle him, play games, read books and sing songs. I didn't want Daddy to do bathtime like usual, I wanted those precious 10 minutes with my little one without rushing to be back out to meet friends later on. I felt bad for letting people down, but I would have felt worse letting the Pigwidgeon down. 

I'd planned weeks ago to meet a friend in York today, bad timing because I'd be out for a good few hours meaning no Henry time. But I was looking forward to seeing my friend and to having a peaceful lunch that didn't involve Peppa Pig colouring books or bibs or eating as quickly as possible. I was looking forward to prosecco, coffees and wandering round expensive shops without keeping an eye on a toddler. And even that made me feel guilty. How could I look forward to going out without Henry? What a terrible mother I must be. I'd just got over feeling bad when my mum made a joke on the way out of the door...Henry was crying upstairs and she joked that I should feel guilty...I know she didn't mean it but they set me off again. I spent the entire train journey feeling bad for enjoying the peace.

I don't suppose it gets any easier, no one can prepare you for the guilt that comes with having children, I certainly didn't expect it. I know that I'm a good mum, I know that Henry adores me and I need time to myself, but it doesn't stop the guilt and the worry that I could somehow be better. We're off to the farm for the day tomorrow to ease my mummy guilt, hopefully a good family day will sort me out.

Never lonely

Mr B is away with work tonight so it's just been me and the little one all afternoon and evening. Once upon a time I hated when Mr B was away, I'd feel really lonely, hated just cooking for myself and would be so bored. Henry has changed all that. Yes, we miss Daddy when he's away, but having a little friend in the house with me makes everything ok.

After our nap today we popped to Morissons to get a few things and had a snack in their cafe. Henry loves Innocent smoothies so he had one of those and some fruit while I had a coffee. He was such a good boy I let him have a go on the Peppa car outside which he absolutely loves, his little face was a picture the whole time.

We then came home and he helped me to make meatballs. He loves putting the bread in the blender to make breadcrumbs and squeals with excitement when they're spinning round and round. He then helps me to roll the meatballs up and then throws them into the tomato sauce when they're done. 

With him being poorly this week, he hasn't eaten much, but he ate loads of meatballs for tea so that was a relief; it's definitely one of his favourite teas. He even had room for some olives and some watermelon too, he must be on the mend.

I've just got him off to bed, and whereas once I would have been bored sitting on my own, I'm really looking forward to a quiet night watching trashy tv and then having a quiet bath to myself before bed. I'm definitely getting old.

Half Term Days 8&9 - No sleep

Sorry for the lack of update, have had a poorly little one to care for which has meant having no time to myself at all for the past few days, especially with Mr B being away with his friends for the weekend.

On Saturday I left poorly Henry with Marmar and his cousins whilst I went to the cinema with my sister in law. We then had a lazy afternoon before driving back to Durham on the evening. We had such a lovely week away, but it was equally lovely to be home. We ended up staying with my mum for two nights with Henry being ill and I'm so glad we did. Last night was awful, the poor baby was up crying for most of the night and so my mum took over at 5:30am so I could get another hours sleep, not sure I could have functioned without it. He went to the doctors earlier and now has antibiotics for an ear infection. We also have wee and poo samples to drop off (grim) to also rule out kidney and urine infections, so all in all, not the best days of our lives. When I got in from work earlier, we had a nap together and I had to wake Henry after 4 and a half hours, definitely a sign that things aren't right. Hopefully he'll feel brighter tomorrow.

Half Term Day 7 - Poorly Baby

We woke up this morning and got our pod all packed up and everything loaded into the car before driving to Waitrose for breakfast. We bought the two little ones a magazine and it was the best thing ever, it bought us a nice, long relaxing breakfast while they 'read', scribbled and played with the tacky free toys. We'll definitely be doing that again!!

Henry ate lots of breakfast and then fell asleep in the car until we arrived at Cromer beach and then his mood really changed. He wasn't impressed by the beach at all, was really clingy and upset and just wanted carrying. Not the most relaxing but we still enjoyed paddling and eating fish and chips outside for our lunch.

Poor Henry then slept another 2 hours on the way to Essex and although he was pleased to see his cousins, he hasn't been himself at all since arriving. He's had a high temperature all evening and I'm worried about him; I hate it when he's ill. Hopefully he'll get plenty of sleep tonight and feel brighter in the morning. I, on the other hand, will hardly sleep at all in between checking he's not too hot and timing calpol doses...the joys of being a mummy. 

Half Term Day 6 - An all-round lush day

Today didn't really go to plan, mainly due to the rain which meant having to come home much earlier than planned and then a poorly little one which meant we ended up getting a take away rather than going out. But neither of those mattered, we all had such a lush day regardless, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

We got up and showered and then the boys cooked bacon and eggs on the fire for breakfast sandwiches whilst the kids ran around the pods on the hunt for the wild cats living here! We went and fed the ducks and had a nice easy morning and then got ready to go out.

We spent the morning at Dinosaur Adventure which was fab, it's just a shame the weather wasn't kinder because we could have spent much longer there. We had a look round the little farm which had plenty of sheep and goats to keep Henry happy. It really made us laugh when Mr B asked Henry what he thought of the sheep and he replied with 'Baa!'. We then had coffees and snack outside before boarding the deer safari trailers to go and see the deer which we all loved. The deer obviously knew they were going to get fed and so ran alongside the safari truck and Henry was fascinated by them. That's when the heavens opened though and so we decided to head up through the dinosaur trail (which was great; lots of 'raaaahhhs' from Henry) to get some lunch in the main part of the park. Everyone else obviously had the same plan and the soft play and both cafes all had queues outside so we decided to call it a day. I'm so glad we went though and we'll definitely be back. I can imagine if Henry is in to dinosaurs in a few years it'll be like a dream come true!!

We then called in to Waitrose and just picked up some lunch so we could get back quickly for the little two to have their naps. After we'd eaten we all decided to have a lie down and I must say it was absolutely amazing lying in a wooden pod in the middle of a forest listening to the rain outside. When we all woke up, our friends came in to our pod for coffee and cake/beers for the boys! We then decided to get a take away for tea and the boys then went off to pick that up while we sat and chatted and played with the kids. Henry has loved having a little friend to play with and spent tonight chasing her round trying to blow raspberries on her tummy, so cute. I have so many lovely photos of the two of them but don't really like to blog pics of other people's children so just stick to Henry on here. He tucked in to his corn on the cob for dinner and our curry was amazing, just what we needed and perfect with a paper cup full of prosecco!!

We then came back to our pod and Daddy read to Henry while I started packing up and then we got Henry to bed. We're now watching Eastenders because we've somehow been dragged into the whole 'who killed Lucy?' storyline!! How ridiculous.

We'll be so sad to leave tomorrow, we have had such a lovely time here with our friends, making memories together with our little families. I have to say though, I'm so looking forward to a good bath!!

Half Term Day 5 - Podding

We had a lazy morning in our hotel this morning, Mr B and I drank coffee in bed while Henry watched cartoons and then we all went down for breakfast about 9. 

Henry was a big fan of buffet breakfast and tucked right in and we had loads to eat too; I love hotel breakfasts.

We then had a little walk at the hotel before setting off to meet our friends at Wroxham Barns, a cute little farm with shops and a tea room too. 

We had lunch, which was lovely but sooo slow and the room was super hot, which meant that Henry was Mr Miserable which wasn't the best. He enjoyed the farm though, especially seeing all the baby lambs. Afterwards the little ones had a run around in the soft play before we made our way to the supermarket up the road to stock up on some supplies for dinner.

Now for some reason, men feel the need to be proper 'men' whilst camping, and the two daddies decided that rather than going out for dinner or getting a takeaway pizza, we would have a BBQ...in February...in the darkness...in the freezing cold. Good. It was actually lovely in the end though; we wrapped the kids up warm and they ran around together while we chatted and drank prosecco in the darkness under a beautiful starry sky. All pretty magical. The little ones then went to bed and we sat outside of our little pods drinking, chatting and toasting marshmallows. Our friends are those type of friends that you don't have to see often to be able to pick right up where you left off...and we have done exactly that.

Half Term Day 4 - Our adventure begins

This morning we packed up our car to start our little half term adventure together. Tomorrow we are meeting our friends in Norfolk to go 'glamping' so we decided to break the journey up a bit and spend today in a lovely hotel about half way there. 

When we arrived we checked in, sorted out our things and then went for a walk through the beautiful grounds. It was a stunning day and the gardens were just perfect. Henry walked so far and loved exploring. He particularly loved seeing the swans and ducks and I couldn't have been happier strolling around in the sunshine with my little family. 

Afterwards we all had a drink in the gorgeous lounge, complete with enormous open fire; beer for daddy, prosecco for mummy and orange juice for Henry who kept asking for juice while we were out on our walk.

We then went to the hotel pool for a little swim. It was absolutely freezing in the building but the water was warm and Henry loved splashing round with his mummy and daddy. I got him changed and handed him back to Mr B and even had a quick 5 minutes in the sauna before getting changed myself (shhh don't tell the boys, they just thought I was taking my time getting dressed!)

We decided to just go downstairs in the hotel for dinner and I'm glad we did, it was really good and so easy not having to drive anywhere. I then bathed Henry in the gorgeous roll-top bath and got him to sleep whilst Mr B went to the shop down the road for some wine and treats for us; we didn't really think past getting Henry to bed and realised that we were now stuck in our room at 7:30 at night with nothing to eat or drink and the tv has to be on very very quietly! Oh the glamorous life of parents.

So here I am sitting in a gorgeous hotel, watching my precious little one fast asleep in an enormous sofa bed and waiting for my husband to arrive back with our wine. What a lucky mummy I am.

Happy Term Day 3 - A Day of 2 Halves

Sorry for the delay, had a super busy last night packing for our half term adventure that is starting today. Here's all about our lovely day yesterday:

My day started off with a little bit of luxury. I treated my mum to a morning at the spa to thank her for having Henry while I'm at work. It was heaven, peace and quiet for a few hours in he spa followed by tasty morning coffee and cake (fruit for me!).

I got home after lunch and put Henry down for his nap. He had a good couple of hours so I had lunch, got some jobs done and got ready to leave for the cinema. We then took Henry to his first ever cinema to see Peppa Pig: The Golden Boots. I was a bit apprehensive about how he'd be but needn't have worried, he was more than happy to watch Peppa for an hour and kept shouting her name between episodes because he wanted her to come back on.

Afterwards we went to Handmade Burger Co for our dinner and it's fair to say that Henry got his appetite back! He ate loads of burger and corn on the cob and was such a good boy, we were really proud of him. We then drove home and got Henry bathed and to bed before spending the evening ironing and packing. More on our little adventure tomorrow...

Half Term Day 2 - Party Time

I worked this morning and got a pile of marking done while Henry napped at lunchtime too, a good productive morning. After lunch Henry had been invited to a friends boys' birthday party. Her twins were 5 and it was exciting to be invited to another proper birthday party, especially exciting because it was being held where Henry goes to baby gym and he was in his element on the slides, bouncing on the trampolines and watching all the older children with fascination.

 The party venue is perfect for children of all ages and we'll definitely be having Henry's birthday party there in September. He loved the party food and held his party bag tightly all the way home, such a cutie. 

We then called in to my mum's for an hour to drop off some washing and ironing (thank God for mums!) and had a coffee too. 

Once we got home we had dinner all together and then Henry had his bath and straight to bed. He's been like Jekyll and Hyde today, super cute and an angel one minute and a screaming tantruming toddler the next, it's been exhausting. He's still full of cold, teething really badly, not eating much and really grumpy, so I'm definitely more than ready for a spa morning tomorrow with my mum. 

Half Term Day 1 - Valentine's Day

Some of my favourite blogs to look back on are my diary style ones of holidays or trips away, so I thought I'd write a blog a day during half term. Here goes...

I started today with a lush lie in while the boys watched cartoons downstairs. Mr B and I exchanged Valentine's cards then Henry and I then got dressed and went off to meet our friends at the farm for the morning.

 Henry had a whale of a time with his little friends and it was lovely catching up with my friends over a cup of tea while the boys played. We fed the animals, saw day old chicks and had a tractor ride...all in all, a lovely morning. Henry was absolutely shattered and then had a long nap when we got in so we all went to bed for an hour or so to catch up on some sleep.

My mum came over tonight to babysit so we could go out for a baby-free dinner for Valentine's Day. We went to Akbars in Newcastle, one of our favourite places. It was lovely getting dressed up, holding hands, chatting over dinner and wine and then singing really loudly along to Blur on the way home. After we'd finished dinner we got a text from my mum to say that Henry was fast asleep so we made the most of it and went out for a drink on the way home. We're so lucky to have her and if you're reading this in years to come, Henry, I promise that we'll babysit for you on Valentine's Day.

We're now drinking pink fizz in our PJs after a successful February 14th...last year we were driving back from Norfolk, Mr B had acute sickness and diarrhoea and had to be left in a Travelodge on the A1 while I drove home, feeling really poorly myself, with the dog and a 5 month old baby in the back!! Not such a successful Valentine's Day.

Cooking with Mummy

When I was a little girl I used to cook with my mum and my grandparents all the time and I've always looked forward to the day when I could cook with my own children. We tried baking a few months back and it was a disaster, all Henry wanted to do was pull the cases out of the bun tray and put them in to the cake mixture; he did look cute in his apron though!

He loves making bread in the breadmaker with my mum and so I decided to enlist his 'help' whilst making meatballs this evening. He loved it! He loved squeezing the mixture and passing it to me to roll and kept waving at it for some bizarre reason; he really makes me laugh. He then liked watching them cook in the tomato sauce and ate loads once they were ready. He wasn't a big help, but he was no bother either and I can't wait for many more cooking adventures together.

Thrilled to see the ingredients all mixed together! 

Waving at a meatball, as you do.

Helping Mummy

And yes, 2 blog posts in 1 day is very impressive for me! I'm planning on doing a diary style post every day during half term as we have so much planned it'll be nice to look back on in the years to come.

Baby's summer wardrobe

I remember a few years ago my sister in law telling me that she loved choosing clothes for the kids when she went shopping and I have to admit, I never thought I'd be the same. Those were in the selfish days where I spent every last penny of my wages on me, the days where I'd plan my own outfits carefully if we were going out or going away. Nowadays I do the same for Henry. I wear whatever is clean and ironed, but Henry's clothes are planned carefully in advance. Every night before bed I get out his clothes for the next day and if we go away I know exactly what he'll wear every day; I LOVE dressing him. I would never have thought I'd be like this, especially about a little boy's clothes. Yes I could see myself getting excited over tutus and matching tights, but dungarees, really?! How things have changed.

My little one is 18 months old next month and is coming to the end of his 12-18month clothes now, boo hoo! He's really growing up. The worst part about it is the next size, 18-24m, is the last 'baby' size in the shops. In some shops it's not even a baby size; Next and Mothercare class my child as a younger boy, not a baby. How dare they?! Anyway we realised last week that we have virtually nothing in the next size. We have a few pairs of trousers, all of which are absolutely enormous still, but nothing else. Henry's next set of clothes need to see us right through the summer, so I've tried to buy a few things that can be layered up; t shirts that he can wear with long sleeved vests for the time being and thin-knit jumpers and cardis that can be worn outside in the summer or inside for now. Here are a few of my favourite bits that we bought, they're all from the current season so if any of them take your fancy, they should still be available. Who would have thought I would ever be excited by a small grey t shirt with a soldier on the front...perhaps I need to get out more!!

Little soldier t shirt - Boden 

Nautical Jumper - The White Company

Clockwise from top left:

Crab t shirt - Jojo Maman Bebe

Farm t shirt - Joules

Knitted hoodie - The White Company

Short dungarees - John Lewis

Shorts and t short set - John Lewis

A rare morning off

As you will know I work every morning Monday to Friday and although I actually love working those hours, I do really miss out on going to baby groups with Henry. There are virtually no groups on afternoons and so I usually only take Henry to baby gym on a Friday. I've also found it impossible to find anywhere that I can take him swimming each week unless we get actual lessons which is really annoying, but that's another story for another day!!

Work needed me to swap my hours today so I worked his afternoon instead of this morning and it was such a rare and lovely treat to spend the whole morning with my little one. 

My mum usually takes Henry to a music group on a Tuesday morning so Marmar had a well earned morning off while I took Henry. I would like to say he loved it and I was really proud of him, but he was actually a little tinker and was more interested in doing naughty things than playing instruments and singing! Having said that, it was lovely to see him interacting with other children and to chat to some of the other mummies that know Henry so well, yet that I've never met. It was strange walking in and total strangers saying hello to Henry.

Afterwards we went to a food and gift market up the road that we try to go to each month. We stocked up on our usual dairy free treats and had a wander round outside so Henry could see all of the animals. It was so lovely having a relaxed and lazy morning, just wandering around and enjoying the gorgeous sunshine; it really felt like Spring today.

Back to my normal hours tomorrow and I must say, I'm looking forward to an afternoon nap, but this morning was just perfect and I loved every second.

Our weekend, in pictures

Mr B was out on Friday night and although I absolutely love our Fridays in together, it was a rare treat to have a quiet Friday to myself with no one to share my pudding/sweets/remote with! I watched Gone Girl, ate crap and had an early night. What a treat.

Saturday lunch out with Mr B and Henry, lush. Hen was tired and pretty grumpy but managed to demolish a huge plate of spaghetti.

Cocktail in a teapot. Afternoon tea with friends, no boys allowed. A rare treat. It was lovely to be able to chat without doing Peppa Pig colouring in at the same time.

Sunday lunch at Knitsley Farm. This is Henry waving to the hens while we were there. He was absolutely thrilled that they were making noises and coming to see him at the fence.

Off to the park to feed the swans and ducks...apart from Henry took quite a shine to the bread and ate most of it himself. He was squealing in delight at the birds though, so sweet.

My boys.

Gorgeous chilli beef stir fry for dinner from the farm shop. A super easy and tasty tea.

Henry helping me make a beef casserole to eat tomorrow night; it's still bubbling away on the hob and smells amazing. 

Precious moments

When I left work today I arrived home to a poorly and sad boy. Nothing serious, just a temperature and he was refusing to eat, which is always a sure sign that something's up because he usually loves his food. We had planned to go to a little play centre and have a wander round town but instead changed our plans and had a PJ afternoon at home, just the two of us. We got snuggled up as soon as we got in, read a few books and watched some Peppa. He'd spent the whole morning asleep at my mum's (very out of character) but when I cuddled him in on the sofa, he snuggled in and fell asleep...next thing I knew it was almost 2 hours later and we'd both been sleeping soundly together for all that time. 

As I cuddled him close, his head warm, I couldn't help but treasure such a beautiful moment. Not perfect, we'd rather have been out in town, but I love these pure, raw moments of motherhood the best. I love that when he's poorly, only I will do. I love that he wants to snuggle for that bit longer and sleep in my arms, something that he won't want to do forever. So today hasn't been a total write-off, I hope my little one is brighter in the morning, but until then, I'm enjoying these snuggles while they last.